my blog

2009-06-06T23:03:00.003+08:00

I feel happy these last week or so. I have no idea why I should be feeling happy but all I seem to be focusing on is the fact that I am. It is something totally unexpected but then I have a feeling that real happiness is meant to sneak up on you. You are not supposed to notice its arrival, far more significant that the manufactured happiness that humanity tries to force on itself.

2009-06-03T21:48:00.002+08:00

Ok so I am exhausted, it is not a crippling kind of exhaustion, it is the exhaustion that comes with the realization that life is just way too disappointing. It is the suck it up and wait to die kind of exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness but I would wager good money that they are the result of my body trying to remind itself that it is capable of such emotion. Gosh even my body is taken to iniative that I am unable or rather unwilling to muster. Why such a bleak outlook on life? Well, I tried, I fought, and I got what I wanted. I would reckon it is the same feeling as that experienced by freedom fighters who fight for so long for something they want and when they finally get it realize that they have grown accustomed to a life of fighting in the jungles and are now unable to live the life of drugdery that freedom demands of them. So I am not sad nor depressed, I am on the other hand escatic and jubilent but rather tired so bare with me.

2009-05-26T05:34:00.002+08:00

So Boredom has visited itself upon me with a vengeance and all my energies are directed towards filling my days with rather meaningless activities. But beneath the stressed out exterior, I think I am still happy that I am home. My parents are still among the few people to know me very well and it is nice to be around such people.

2009-05-19T15:18:00.002+08:00

So here I am at home and I have to admit that I am rather surprised with myself. I am surprised that I am actually happy, excited and might even go so far as to say that I am ecstatic to be home. Life has returned to a certain level of routine dysfunction, the kind that I would have to say I am rather used to. So I am now holed up in my room sitting underneath the air-conditioning unit while my body slowly but surely readjusts to the heat, the sweating and the inevitable rash that is associated with it. I am with gusto fulfilling all the roles I usually fulfilled such as helping my dad get a hankerchief that he forgot, helping my room prepare the house for some ridiculous function that at least this one time she is not all that excited to host. I am not sure how long this will last but I do hope my parents enjoy it will it does.

2009-05-15T10:54:00.003+08:00

Guilt, that is what I feel a lot of the time. Guilt is the one emotion I cannot handle because it deals with the realization that you are a flawed human being. Growing up is the process of realising things. Your parents are human and even God to some extent is flawed. The hardest one for me is to realize that I might be responsible for other people's misery. It is a form of self-inflicted pain that is too hard to bear.

2009-04-19T22:55:00.002+08:00

I feel all twisted up inside, like someone whose insides have been run through a blender. I am missing something in my life. Something that prevents the slow but inexorable twisting and blending that life is really about. We are all run through the mill. Sometimes we change, we can tell ourselves that we are stronger but there are parts of ourselves that we do not lose. It is hard, when you feel as if you have lost access to those parts of yourself that define you.

2009-04-05T06:58:00.002+08:00

So here I am. I guess I am always here, looking over the fence, at the neighbour's and deciding for once that they really have horrible grass.

Basically, I have spent the entire afternoon, with myself. This is something that some people may not understand. But from time to time, I need to spend time alone, listening to my favourite songs. Its part of the process, the process where you pick yourself up from the ground and tell yourself that you havn't been damaged that badly from the fall and you psych yourself to get going.

I needed it. I really did it. Some many oddly horrible things have happened and it broke it weird and unusually ways. But I fixed it. I fixed myself. I do hope the fix is good this time. I really do hope it will last but its odd. I am now ok about a lot of things that were annoying me. It's odd how sometimes you want to fix something and in the process of doing so fix so many other things.

2009-03-25T12:51:00.003+08:00

Ok here I am again, I am guessing I have enough posts to make a sort of series, the kind that you would find weekly in your paper, written with the sort of wit you would expect from someone with an actual college degree, ( I am still working towards mine). The only difference being that they seem to be appearing daily and that they are hardly funny. I hope they make you think, even if thinking has become too much of a hassle for you, its ok I have been there, I know exactly how you feel, I hope that it gives you that sort of funny feeling somewhere in your abdominal region, where you conscience used to reside.

So what do I have to say for today. It is this, we get tired from time to time, with the world, with the people we are around, we need a break, a change a scenery, a chance to peek over the wall, where the grass is apparently always green. But the point of all this, the reason for this insanity is that, we are not really meant to stay still. Yes, I know very well that there are people who suffer from chronic diseases due to what is euphemistically termed, a sedentary lifestyle. But the only reason why they can afford to be sedentary is that the large bulk off their soul, their defining characteristic has probably been sucked into non-existence due to marriage to some succubus. With me, I am currently not weighed down by the baggage of a spouse. GOOD FOR ME!.

The most important thing, however, is to realise that this feelings for excitement and change as we cross over the fence and frolic in the midst of the sunlight change, disappear. What we are really looking for is a reminder, a reinforcement of the reason as to why our lives are the way they are. We are all suppose to, after a while, go back, refreshed, eager, excited.

Now I believe that many of you are thinking, what a bull lot of crap. I am not telling you how things happen but rather how they are suppose to happen in an ideal situation. I mean ideally we all brush our teeth twice a day, eat our veges and find true love. But this doesn't actually mean that life works that way. Think about it, if it did, Hollywood would be screwed.

So people, if following your holidays, breaks, visits, you feel a little bit depressed, out of touch, unable to focus on your work, it probably is your fault.

2009-03-24T12:14:00.002+08:00

So here I am. Two posts in the period of a day. I am pretty sure this may have only happen previously at most once. My house is quiet, too quiet in fact for me to feel comfortable. So here I am thinking, I am screwed up. I am pretty much exhausted, tired out of my wits. I am experiencing one of the moments when you just which time would just stop, so that you can finally take that deep breath, the one that you need just to reassure yourself that you can. The only consolation is that I know I will get through this, but I wonder if there will be any visible scars.

On a side track, I have realised that I have changed as a person and the thing is I am not sure if I like it. There are days when I wish I could go back to a simpler time, when I believe I was a happier person, when I was not twisted in cruel, unusual ways. So here the challenge is, and I quite clearly believe this. How do we in the midst in the apparent cruelty of the world, remain true to ourselves, how do we even find ourselves? I do not necessarily know the answer. I would like to believe I am a good person.

2009-03-24T02:53:00.002+08:00

So here I am writing another blog entry without any hope of any audience. So here are my musings for today, my sudden realization that would suffice for today.

I had the great displeasure to have what could possibly be described as one of the weirdest conversations I have ever had in recent memory. It was friend, it was odd, simply because it assumed certain facts, facts that had never been ascertained, that we had wronged each other and slowly and surely, we were driving a wedge between what probably is a relatively decent friendship. It was rightfully odd.

Now, what does this have to do with this post. We spend a lot of our time celebrating ourselves, our individuality, the defining characteristics that make us who we are. There is nothing wrong with this, in fact there are many people out there who are still in denial about themselves, ashamed even.

The problem arises when we expect people to accept these things about us in an almost militant fashion. It is almost a case of you have to accept me for who I am right now, and if the answer I get is unsatisfactory, screw you (there might even be a finger waved menacingly in a direction).

The truth of the matter is, we are so scared, so determined even that we are accepted for who we are, that we do not give the responding individual time to respond. There are far too many mixed signals, things lost in translation. Yes you are who you are, but you are not a perfect person. I cannot judge you as such, I believe that is God's responsibility and curse as a perfect, omnipotent being. The point is, just talking about it, explaining it, and accepting that it may take time, a lot of patience goes a long way. Just as much as you are imperfect, the other person is also just as imprefect or to some extent even more so.

The crux of the matter, I realise that this is quite a verbal mess and maybe I will be able to refine it in time to come is this, give people a break, be fair to everyone and who knows, you may have saved the friendship.

2009-03-09T15:01:00.003+08:00

So here I am writing a post and it has been a good long while since I have written one. For once, I can say I am writing for a good reason, because I felt like it. I didn't need to write one. I didn't need to fulfill some deep desire to rant about people. I am no longer devoid of the necessary guts that would endow any ordinary person the courage to tell people what they truly feel and think. People, I am glad to announce, and I can see you cringing in fear, that I am no longer afraid to tell you what I think.

But what I have to say is this, I beg you people realise this, university is suppose to be a time when we discover who we are, we find out what we like, we found out what kind of people our parents made us but most of all we find out who we want to be. That I would say is the most important thing of all. And this is what I have to say, be the person you want to be. Change things about yourself that you have to the power to change. Let us all try to get through the mess that comprises of our lives in one piece. So for those people out there, with the sticks rammed up their asses, pull it out. It is going to hurt, but you will be happier for it. So those people, who eschew violence, hey its part of life, you cant pretend its not happening, so you might as well face it. For the crux of the issue is this, I don't want to be unhappy, and I am going to do something about it. So I apologise if you get stung or burnt by this new found quest of mine but just know that I didn't mean it.

2008-04-26T11:48:00.002+08:00

I would say the gap between this post and the last is rather amazing. Rather amazing not because of the length of time but because I would even bother updating this after so long.

To the random casual observer, this was just another lame blog, random useless bits of memory clogging the ever expanding sinkhole that is the internet.

The thing is I need someone to talk to and there is not a single person who is capable of listening, so who better the vast millions who might chance upon this site.

So then what is the problem?

The problem is I never thought I would ever have to deal people from my past. My future was suppose to clear of that sticky thing called history. It was suppose to be a fresh beginning.

Not only that I never thought I would compromise so much of my personality, values, principles to attain that eternally sought goal of peace. Now it seems that I don't care and thats not the kind of person I am. I do care but apparently not anymore.

It would seem that my behaivour is like a last gasp one makes before your body is no longer becomes habitable, when your body has changed so dramatically, not even you like yourself. It's part of a last ditch attempt to regain some semblance of who I am as a person.

These battles always carry a cost that reverberates through time. Just as the battlefields have long grown silent and cold, the sounds of battle still echo in the nights. The cost would be a friendship which at this time seems trivial, expendable. Maybe it will be saved, scarred but whole. Maybe it will damaged permanently, needing constant TLC. Maybe I don't care.

What is wrong with me? Can someone please tell me?

2007-08-21T07:44:00.000+08:00

Just updating my blog.
People would like to know that I am alive.

My schedule is being driven mad by the prospect of having to take physical chem.
I am tired.
I just want to sleep.
But the prospect of having something to do is keeping me awake.

2007-08-17T09:38:00.000+08:00

I am finally here in cornell and I have just finished celebrating my birthday. So I turn 21 today and I had my first legal glass of alcohol in the US. (Not an admission of underage drinking in the US)
Considering the fact that the legal drinking age back home is 18, this would be second time this has happened. So in some ways, certain one-in-a-lifetime moments do happen twice. So do not be discouraged if you think you have missed the boat, it may come around once more. But remember, nobody has said anything about it happening thrice.

On another note, stupid people do stupid things all the time and they get away with it. Now I would like to believe that I am smart and as such only participate in stupid activities once in a while (I am sure even the smartest people like a good joke). The only thing is, why is it that when I am stupid, I get into trouble for it. Why? I don't know but I am guessing someone will tell me.

2007-08-08T19:36:00.000+08:00

On the eve of my departure, one would think you would be excited. However, the truth is I am not.

Its now become something you just want to get over with. Survive the 18 hour flight, make it through the immigration and customs and after all that another two hour drive to my sister's place.

The university only comes later, several days later after a brief holiday with my parents

2007-08-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

So I continue this series on matriculation at 21.

There are so many things I need to understand that just confuse me. Worse, they confound me. To top it off, they tire me.

But I figure this is the only course left to me. I want to make decisions for myself and to do that one must be well-informed. The source has to be reliable and sometimes, only on rare occasions they need to be shouted at. I am sure HSBC will agree.

If we return to a problem that has never been mentioned. Singaporeans. You ask yourself, "Are they really a problem?" The simple answer is yes and no. The complex answer doesn't exist.

No. Its good to have people around you who can occasionally understand utterances of Singlish, who you can follow during those long journeys to and fro and most of all can help you deal with homesickness.

Yes. Because they have always been a problem, because they exert a form of peer pressure and worst of all because they remind you of home.

This problem is as you will realise getting too much attention. But that's something about impending matriculation. Every little thing gets magnified. You over analyse. I try to draw analogies to weddings. Weddings are a celebration of yourself as part of a marriage, a future family unit. University is a celebration of yourself as an individual, it only really happens once. You need it to be done right.

The good news is that I am increasingly apathetic. I am leaving it to the heavens, to fate, to God. Honestly, who cares if I am missing a pencil, a pillow or even a fully functioning bank account? Who does?

I need to go. If you think some trivial thing has distracted me, well you are almost certainly right but you will never get me to admit that.

2007-08-02T00:24:00.000+08:00

I feel like a double post, like as if there is a two headed entity within, each with an opinion that needs to be heard.

This post will focus on what the previous post was meant to (no not the apprehension, frustration and confusion) but rather the lack of enthusiasm.

I want to be more excited about university. It is suppose to be a time of oppurtunity but the more I think about it, the more it seems as if university sounds the death knell of oppurtunity.

When ending my secondary school years, I wanted to go to a school surrounded by my friends because I felt that JC was tough if you had to make friends all over again. For uni, I thought, what the heck, make new friends, have fun and at some point get a degree. It seems at least at first glance that I can't escape my past and I am bringing it along in bucketloads. The promise of a vaguely different life, which is what I need to get myself out of a some precieved rut I have placed myself in, seems too unlikely to believe.

Its hard to explain the rest and I am tired so maybe in a future post.

2007-08-01T23:57:00.000+08:00

I am apparently on the cusp of a new future. Some of the excitement that one hears so often off is there but there is also the apprehension. If you were to ask me two years ago if I could do it, I would say yes, I could, but now it is very difficult.

What is worse is that university preparation is tiring. What meal plan you should be on? When you will get your computer? When to buy bed linen? All these things should be easy, but the truth is that when your parents feel that they have say, the conversations you have become downright ridiculous and extremely tiresome.

I went to watch The Simpsons movie. I think I enjoyed it but everyone was laughing and that ruined the atmosphere. The movie struck me as more slapstick than usual. Again I attribute this to incessant laughing. I think I will reserve judgement for a later date.

If at the end of this you are confused, well, thats the point, join the club, come on over, sit down, and pray no one nearby is laughing.

2007-07-04T20:45:00.000+08:00

My father has commented at my lack of excitement for my impending university adventure. He does have a point.

After having waited for two and a half years to go to university, the excitement has certainly waned. Furthermore, I feel as if I have missed out on something by matriculating after everyone else. It's the same feeling one gets when you are not privy to some private joke.

There is nothing I can say or do that can stop this creeping apathy.

I doubt that I can go back to studying and I doubt that I will enjoy doing whatever I decide to major.

Welcome to my morass.

2007-02-28T23:55:00.000+08:00

Lately, a strong desire to go home will occasionally overcome me. It is not a physical desire. I don't really want to be at home.

Its more an emotional home. Home is where the heart is suppose to be, right? You are suppose to feel safe at home.

I guess this is suppose to be part of growing up. As an adult, we aren't suppose to feel safe and reassured. That level of security is only meant for pre-pubescent kids. After that, we enter this awkward stage of adolescent, where everything is of varying shade of bizarre. Then finally we enter adulthood, when the realities of life meet us head on and we are stripped of any sense of security we may have. I don't know if there are any other stages but I do hope so as I am ready to outgrow this one.

2007-02-20T22:14:00.000+08:00

One month will have past since I left what it generally the bane of most people's existence.

What shocks me the most is how I seem relatively unscathed after the last two years. It feels as if my life has just resumed after being placed on pause. The main difference being that the calenders read 2007 instead of 2005.

I would never say that my life was stolen, that it was all a waste. At the same time, I wouldn't really know what to call it. It shouldn't be so easy to forget, to act as if it never happened. It really shouldn't.

2007-02-16T22:09:00.000+08:00

Well it seems rather appropriate to start afresh with the coming of a new year.