I feel all twisted up inside, like someone whose insides have been run through a blender. I am missing something in my life. Something that prevents the slow but inexorable twisting and blending that life is really about. We are all run through the mill. Sometimes we change, we can tell ourselves that we are stronger but there are parts of ourselves that we do not lose. It is hard, when you feel as if you have lost access to those parts of yourself that define you.

So here I am. I guess I am always here, looking over the fence, at the neighbour's and deciding for once that they really have horrible grass.

Basically, I have spent the entire afternoon, with myself. This is something that some people may not understand. But from time to time, I need to spend time alone, listening to my favourite songs. Its part of the process, the process where you pick yourself up from the ground and tell yourself that you havn't been damaged that badly from the fall and you psych yourself to get going.

I needed it. I really did it. Some many oddly horrible things have happened and it broke it weird and unusually ways. But I fixed it. I fixed myself. I do hope the fix is good this time. I really do hope it will last but its odd. I am now ok about a lot of things that were annoying me. It's odd how sometimes you want to fix something and in the process of doing so fix so many other things.