I feel happy these last week or so. I have no idea why I should be feeling happy but all I seem to be focusing on is the fact that I am. It is something totally unexpected but then I have a feeling that real happiness is meant to sneak up on you. You are not supposed to notice its arrival, far more significant that the manufactured happiness that humanity tries to force on itself.

Ok so I am exhausted, it is not a crippling kind of exhaustion, it is the exhaustion that comes with the realization that life is just way too disappointing. It is the suck it up and wait to die kind of exhaustion. There are brief moments of happiness but I would wager good money that they are the result of my body trying to remind itself that it is capable of such emotion. Gosh even my body is taken to iniative that I am unable or rather unwilling to muster. Why such a bleak outlook on life? Well, I tried, I fought, and I got what I wanted. I would reckon it is the same feeling as that experienced by freedom fighters who fight for so long for something they want and when they finally get it realize that they have grown accustomed to a life of fighting in the jungles and are now unable to live the life of drugdery that freedom demands of them. So I am not sad nor depressed, I am on the other hand escatic and jubilent but rather tired so bare with me.

So Boredom has visited itself upon me with a vengeance and all my energies are directed towards filling my days with rather meaningless activities. But beneath the stressed out exterior, I think I am still happy that I am home. My parents are still among the few people to know me very well and it is nice to be around such people.

So here I am at home and I have to admit that I am rather surprised with myself. I am surprised that I am actually happy, excited and might even go so far as to say that I am ecstatic to be home. Life has returned to a certain level of routine dysfunction, the kind that I would have to say I am rather used to. So I am now holed up in my room sitting underneath the air-conditioning unit while my body slowly but surely readjusts to the heat, the sweating and the inevitable rash that is associated with it. I am with gusto fulfilling all the roles I usually fulfilled such as helping my dad get a hankerchief that he forgot, helping my room prepare the house for some ridiculous function that at least this one time she is not all that excited to host. I am not sure how long this will last but I do hope my parents enjoy it will it does.

Guilt, that is what I feel a lot of the time. Guilt is the one emotion I cannot handle because it deals with the realization that you are a flawed human being. Growing up is the process of realising things. Your parents are human and even God to some extent is flawed. The hardest one for me is to realize that I might be responsible for other people's misery. It is a form of self-inflicted pain that is too hard to bear.

I feel all twisted up inside, like someone whose insides have been run through a blender. I am missing something in my life. Something that prevents the slow but inexorable twisting and blending that life is really about. We are all run through the mill. Sometimes we change, we can tell ourselves that we are stronger but there are parts of ourselves that we do not lose. It is hard, when you feel as if you have lost access to those parts of yourself that define you.

So here I am. I guess I am always here, looking over the fence, at the neighbour's and deciding for once that they really have horrible grass.

Basically, I have spent the entire afternoon, with myself. This is something that some people may not understand. But from time to time, I need to spend time alone, listening to my favourite songs. Its part of the process, the process where you pick yourself up from the ground and tell yourself that you havn't been damaged that badly from the fall and you psych yourself to get going.

I needed it. I really did it. Some many oddly horrible things have happened and it broke it weird and unusually ways. But I fixed it. I fixed myself. I do hope the fix is good this time. I really do hope it will last but its odd. I am now ok about a lot of things that were annoying me. It's odd how sometimes you want to fix something and in the process of doing so fix so many other things.